In Thursday's post Al, employing classic hubris, claimed to be the king of Awana. It was a cute way of proving his point. But, I believe in truth. Al speaks lies; "there is no truth in him, when he lies he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44 (You are reading this so you can't tell, but I just recited that from memory.) 

For our readers who didn't attend Awana as a child let me give you a brief description. Awana was the best bible memory program for kids ever. It was hosted at your local Baptist or Free church. Think the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts for Christians and you'd be pretty close.  

You want proof of my claim to be the true "King of Awana"? Not a problem. In fact, if I hadn't rashly thrown away my red Sparks vest just this past summer while moving, I would post a picture and show you all what real Christian glam is all about. Diamond encrusted, ladies and gentlemen (plastic diamonds, but still). The plastic pin diamonds inserted into plastic bronze, silver, and gold crowns symbolized those jewels the faithful will throw down at the feet of Christ in the last days. But back in '92, they weighed down the left side of my vest and made me walk strangely. 

As Al will no doubt object, just having the jewels would mean that I only got through the memory books once. No, no, no. Do you think this is a joke? I don't. You do the book twice! That's right. Why? Because when you finish it the second time you get a gold patch to frame each crown. So, of course, there was a gold patch behind each of my crowns. Gold patch, crown, jewels. THAT is the way to wear a sparks vest. Have some self respect. Seriously. 

More? I'm just getting started. Let me try to explain this in a way that the average outside observer will appreciate. Awana is split up so that you memorize a booklet of bible verses every year. Some kids don't finish. That's fine. You get up to recite a verse to the team leader and your mind goes blank. At least I've heard it does. My mind never gave up on holy writ that way. My first year of Awana I started late. But I didn't use that as an excuse. I finished two books that year. Why? Because the "word of God is living and active, sharper than a double edged sword separating bone and marrow." Hebrews 4:12 And swords are awesome. 

I employed some unorthodox methods. But you either work the system or it buries you. When group time starts, you need to be the first in line to recite what you've memorized. Why? Because while the other kids are fumbling their way through a verse you can memorize one or maybe two more in the class and get back in line. It is possible to get through as many as ten verses a night doing that. 

Al will now opine that I was merely a book jockey and Awana was more than the world's best Bible memory program for kids. To that I reply, slow your roll. Memory was the least of my concerns. My mind was basically designed to absorb God's written wisdom. That came easy. But it doesn't end there. Not a chance. Crazy hair night? This guy had a six inch Mohawk dyed neon green, orange, blue, and yellow. Al was rumored to freak the judges at these events out by unbuttoning his uniform to mid-chest and display his sparse collection pre-pubescent chest hair courtesy of his Latino heritage. 

I'll admit my first boxcar derby entry finished dead last. But that was seriously my dad's fault. I had no idea the competition I was up against. The following year I fired Dad from the derby team. I found Bob Mesmer at our church and hired him as my chief engineer. I kid you not. It wasn't his first derby. We worked maximum air flow into our design. We placed the weights strategically. We painted it red. Second place baby. And I will go to my grave believing the other kid greased his axle (an infraction of the rules and thereby worthy of immediate disqualification.) 

Awana Olympics you say? Yes, athletics has always been my weak spot. I won't contest that. Alfred is in every way my better in this respect. All I will offer is that Ricky Maupin and I did very well in the three legged race, which considering our height difference, is really saying something. (I will also remind the reader that Cedeno was frequently in trouble with the judges for chugging Mountain Dew prior to his events.)

Anyway the Olympics annoyed me in a really deep exegetical way. Paul wasn't talking about an actually foot race when he wrote, "do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize?"  1 Corinthians 9:24 It's an obvious metaphor for memorizing scripture and rocking out a sweet vest replete with all the awards one under nourished boy can get. Paul never even knew what dodge ball was. (Probably why I sprained my arm playing it.) You know what he did know? The New Testament. He wrote it most of it. He didn't play any stupid games in a giant gym at his church. He'd probably be really confused about why a church had a gym anyway. I never got it. But when I tried to get a couple extra verses memorized during game time I would get chided for lack of participation. You try running a circle around the green pin and back like some insane suicide sprint while wearing a vest that has half your body weight in plastic bling on it. Ok, I was the only one still wearing their vest. But if you got it flaunt it, am I wrong?

In all my excitement I forgot to set the political stage for you. I was an outsider at this Awana clan. You think starting at a private school in third grade is tough? That is a cake walk compared to showing up at Awana as a spark. (I cleaned up at more than a few cake walks too by the way.) These kids have been marinating in the love of Jesus on Wednesday nights at 7 since Cubbies (the preschool program). And they all go to the same Sunday school too. Now some hot shot comes in from a church on the other side of town and starts destroying the competition? Lets just say the love of God and the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ started running a little cold. I'm not one to toot my own horn but despite a pretty fragile political situation I was still able to snag several key end-of-year awards from Deacon Palpant's youngest kid. I can't imagine how that post-award ceremony dinner went. I doubt there was much talking. Maybe something like "I don't know if honorable mention deserves ice cream." I don't know I'm just saying it was probably something like that. 

Cedeno never needed to deal with the political issues. He attended the church. This gave an otherwise completely white suburban church the coveted ability to talk about being "multi-ethnic" and "diverse". Never mind the fact that he is only half Puerto Rican. He couldn't even speak Spanish.  

Well that is probably enough to set the record straight. Al Cedeno is a lot of things, obese, over-hyped, and not a friend of bald honesty, to name a few, but he is not the King of Awana. That title is all mine.

Hey Al, here's another verse I've memorized "I'm high up on the line you can get behind me." Kanye 3:16.

Lane Severson is a recovering child-prodigy, father, and Anglican. Follow Lane on Twitter @ljseverson